Open Letter to a Former Teen on the Autism Spectrum

Dear Former Teen,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I let you down when I was your youth minister. Your mom told me you have Asperger’s* and gave me a heads up of some of the behaviors I might see. I was secretly a little apprehensive, but wanted you to have a place within the youth ministry. I thought I was being inclusive by making sure you weren’t picked on when you’d flap your hands or for not making it a big deal when you’d say or do something a little “strange”. I tried to get you involved with your peers, but I didn’t understand how. How could I, when I didn’t take the time or initiative to understand?

Passive acceptance (or tolerance) of “different” behaviors is not true acceptance and understanding. I tried to make sure you didn’t feel ostracized, to help you fit within the youth group, but I should have done more to welcome you into the group and modeled for the rest of our youth ministry what it means to truly know and love a person who is different (not less).

Now that I have a child of my own on the autism spectrum, I realize that I should have sat down and talked with your mom the moment she told me you have Asperger’s, to learn more about her experience, your experience, and to actively learn how I could support you. I should have taken the initiative to learn more about the autism spectrum in general, and specifically learned more about how the autism spectrum affects you. I should have done more to help you adapt to youth group, but even more importantly, I should have figured out how to adapt youth ministry to you. I should have figured out ways to make sure youth ministry was accommodating, so that I could give you a break or understand sensory overload and adjust our activities and settings so it wasn’t so overwhelming. I should have jumped more into your interests so I could connect better with you. If I had taken the time to learn what the autism spectrum truly is and how it can affect the way someone sees and experiences the world, maybe I could have done a better job of helping you feel like you belonged and helping your spiritual growth.

I’m sorry, former teen, that I failed to meet you where you were at. I’m sorry I really only met neurotypical teens where they were at instead of learning to see things from a different perspective, your perspective.

Now I know. And I’m still learning. And I hope and pray that more of us in youth ministry will do better. To take the initiative to read, discuss, learn, and understand so we can better love and serve teens (and Core Members, and parents, and everyone that comes into contact with our ministry) on the autism spectrum. To not only learn to help teens on the spectrum adapt to youth ministry, but to adapt youth ministry for teens on the spectrum.

I’m sorry, former teen. I pray that you’re doing well and that your life is filled with people who truly see you and love you for who you are. Pray for me and others who serve within the Church, that we can learn to be more inclusive – not just tolerant, but truly welcome and work within our ministry to serve the needs of everyone, not matter how they experience the world around them.

Your Sister in Christ.

 

*Note: Asperger’s is no longer an official diagnosis and has been assumed under one, broad, general diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), so I have referred to autism spectrum throughout the blog post. I chose the phrasing “autism spectrum” to reflect the current verbiage in use, while still wishing to honor those who identify with any of the various names the various points of the spectrum have been labeled throughout the years (Autism, Asperger’s, PDD-NOS, etc.).

"I’m Not Good At Praying"

Prayer is beautiful in the simplicity of its core meaning, especially as we try to share with kids what prayer is and how to pray. Prayer is also beautiful in its rich depth and complexity of variation. Really, we could spend hundreds or thousands of hours discussing, practicing, and learning about different ways of praying (i.e. communicating with God).

When it comes to leading prayer, you, your leaders, or your t[w]eens might feel uncomfortable, awkward, afraid, and/or like you’re “not good at it.” This is a simple way of explaining what it is to “lead prayer” that I found effective when I used it in a leadership training with middle schoolers:

Imagine you are with a group of friends and you have been talking about something (think about what you would typically talk about – school, movies, music, etc). Now, let’s say you have a friend that knows everything – they are basically kind of perfect. So you and your friends call up this expert friend and you explain what your group has been talking about and ask for some guidance or input on the subject.

That right there is basically leading prayer in a nutshell. You, the leader, are basically facilitating a conversation with God on behalf of the group. We communicate in this form pretty commonly. If you, your team, or your kids are still not feeling too sure about leading prayer, remember that it’s easier to talk to someone on behalf of a group when you’re already comfortable with the person you’re talking to. So I encourage you to spend more quality time with your “expert friend” 1-on-1 and watch your life and your ability to facilitate a group conversation with God blossom.